If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
