At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
we're so committed to being not committed
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
