I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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