She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
