I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
