He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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