here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
