I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
