I faked an abortion last night.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
