ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Enjoy the penises
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
