The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
