Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
