I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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