I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
