I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
