I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
