I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
