so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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