Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
