TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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