sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
