I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
