Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
