there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize