i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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