we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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