I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
