Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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