my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
