She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
