I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
