I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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