why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
