If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
