the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
