i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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