i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
