It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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