she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
We had to coat check the pizza.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
