the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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