Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
