he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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