Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
