I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I miss vodka workout Fridays
it's like heaven, but drunker
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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