i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
