Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
