she was so not down for the gang bang
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
