i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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