does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
