the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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