Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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