Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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