Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
