She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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