Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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