when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
