I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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