Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
