Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
