why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
