the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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