He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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