Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
