dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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