My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
